Appreciate What Matters

Woke up 4am, not feeling good, scratchy  throat, drink orange juice just in case, pop ibuprofen, polish final draft on a project for someone else, hit the send button... Gone! Need documents, go to print... Damn! Out of ink AGAIN! Go to the library, realize my tire is flat, air it up, can't find the valve for the air compressor, "mom, are you going to make our lunches?", make lunches for 4 kids, stop at the gas station on the way to library. Air up tire-note to self: sign says air is $1.00, only needs 3 quarters to turn on the same amount of time! Print docs at library, home, put in load of laundry. Hungry... no food. Didn't I just get groceries? Eat a string cheese and make a grocery list, pay bills, check emails, load dishwasher, need to go to the gym, get dressed for the gym,last minute call, on my way out the door, my editor has moved up a deadline on my 2nd rewrite, gym is out, glue myself to my IPad, oldest teen daughter is annoyed because I ignore her most urgent issues of the day, oh crap, Kylie still needs her blood tested for the week! Test her blood, drive to the bank and to express mail the blood, tire low again, DAMN-forgot it only needs 3 quarters! Forgot to drop off the express mail after the bank! Send Lopez to do it on his way to work. Laugh to myself when I notice where the elfie on the shelf ended up today when I walk in my house... his connected hands come in handy for a lot of positions, I would've made them Velcro... FOR GOD'S SAKE, STAY FOCUSED. Running out of time, kids home from school very soon, speak of the devil... call from the school, Isaac has detention for too many tardies, note to self: don't forget to pick him up! Hungry, still no food, tea instead, glued to IPad, folded laundry, put away kids clean clothes, got distracted, picked up dirty ones off their floor, now the laundry is full again! Previously frozen meal from the freezer in the oven for supper, looking like grocery shopping will need to wait, giving me anxiety, Thanksgiving in 2 weeks! Emailed finished work to editor, call right back, wrong format, reformat, re-emailed, think to myself that I really need to call my parents-miss them! Kids home, homework, projects, dinner, oh crap! Forgot Isaac! In my defense, I remembered before he walked through the door! Kitchen is a mess, lock myself in my room in an attempt to avoid needy kids, they text me instead. I write some more, got some supper, note to self: really need to get groceries tomorrow! Still not feeling too good, kind of feel worse. Fell asleep fast, woke up at 2am, couldn't sleep, pondered life's greatest mysteries as one can only do at 2am. Came up with a few things that could've made my day easier: not have had kids in the first place, had stuck with my easier, more reliable job, bought a brand new set of tires the day before and quit writing. Then I realized that all those things are why I even get up every morning. I am sure the reason the kids get up these days is the anticipation of what the elfie has been up to all night. Damn, that elfie really has it all figured out!

Date Stamped!

"As a codependent person, I have effectively created a world that revolves around me." ~AM

Wait for it... as my pedestal flails a bit, I become anxious because the truth is, I know exactly what is about to happen. The world around me gathers centrifugal force and I am reluctant to face a knock on the door. One more crisis will easily knock my pedestal over, so I am on the defense!

I am not going into detail about how I just want to feel good again, because the purpose of this is to create a "date stamp" for myself. I want to remember exactly how I feel about myself right this second with the world solidly revolving around me outside my door, steadily building centrifugal force, one crisis at a time. How could my intentions before be to live a better life, build a stronger pedestal? Note for my "date stamp": My actual intentions never even came close to that!

All I know is that right now, right this second, I am seeking ways off this rickety pedestal, quick! & "Date stamped"!

I am not going to just replace the weathered or the most urgent parts for now. I will start at the bottom,and most difficult and I will replace one part at a time, one small piece at a time. I am scared as it may crumble completely during construction or whenever I face the un prepared-for crisis at the door, but it's time to move on. Time to own my centrifugal force that I have created, aim just a little bit closer to me, aim a little closer to the that line. 

My new learned lessons:

1.  Sometimes good intentions aren't always good for everyone.

2.  Centrifugal force is not a good thing when you have created a world that revolves around you and you are its axis.

3.  It's easier to face the door and deal with it rather than try and recall what exactly led you to be afraid to answer it in the first place!

After all new lessons applied and upon answering the door, I was seriously relieved, but kind of sad that no one was there.

With Love From Family At 15 Weeks

It's always a a joy when a baby is going to come and grace one's family home. When I was growing up, the thought of a sibling having brought a baby home to my parent's family home would've been such a foreign thought. I am not sure what makes this so much different. After all, like Kylie, I too was married at 18. I was only 20 when my first child was born.

Kylie's brother, Isaac is only 4 years younger than she is. I look at him and realize that to an adult, 4 years goes by in a blink of an eye. To a child, everything can change in that very same blink! Isaac is still growing up and Kylie has effectively decided that she is all grown up. 

I often wonder how this experience is going to change not just Isaac, but each and every one of Kylie's siblings. After all, they have a front row seat to the realistic struggles on the journey of creating a family. This may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or a curse... but for now, I feel good about the love they all show for Kylie and her new little family every day, right now, right here, in our family home.

Notes From The Broken Hearted

I have spent the past couple of days with a broken heart and ran mascara. I am sincerely touched by all of your letters. Many of my readers emailed letters from other family members which made me realize how important it was for me to read every single one. I chose one that I was hoping I could share in order to bring a voice to the pain I have literally felt through all of your letters in your own words.

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For my sweet Addyson,

You don't know me because I just found out that I am your dad. It makes me sad when I think of everything I have missed out on the past 5 years of your life. I have missed out on loving you and I can't help but wonder if maybe me and your mom could've worked things out if I knew about you. Most of all, I missed out on the chance to take care of you in every way. I know I would've taken those extra shifts to buy you everything you needed.

Even though your Mom kept you from me, I respect her for taking care of you the best way she could. I want you to know, Addy that you the most important little girl in my life from this day forward. I am fighting to have you in my life. I am fighting for my right to provide for you. I am your dad and your mom can't take that away from us. Even though we haven't met each other yet, I love you so much. Love, dad.

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I also wanted to share one more thing. Regardless of helping care for Kylie's daily health issues, going to school full time, and working, Lopez has his son on his mind constantly! It's been over a month and his baby's mother is still refusing visitation. This is what Lopez posted yesterday:

I cant wait for my baby boy to get his present from his daddy!(:

Setbacks And Sadness

It is really difficult to keep faith in a goal that continues to prove setbacks every single day. Of course paternity would become an issue now. She sure didn't contest paternity when she was asking him for money and diapers everyday.We predicted it from her and this only means more money and stress for Lopez's custody process.

My faith in the process was tested when I walked in and Kylie was holding her husband's head as he cried. It never occurred to them that he wasn't his baby's father and the accusations that hurt him deeply were so evident. I wanted to just protect them from that hurt and just let it all go. 

I have had these same thoughts early on in Kylie's pregnancy. Giving up seemed the only option at times and her joy was the only thing that kept my faith in the process.Ironically, now I find myself taking faith in their sadness instead of their joy. 

These moments are bringing them closer together. Their love together, their joy together, and their sadness together is ultimately helping their dream of a family come together, one setback at a time!

Change Is The Key To A Fairytale

Once upon a time there was a Queen of a great castle far, far away. Every morning as the Queen woke from her slumber, she went about her great bedroom tidying here, and tidying there. Everything must be in its place, big and small. Even though the Queen of the castle had others to do the tidying for her, she insisted that she was the only one far and near that could do an exceptional job. 

When the Queen had finished, she moved on to the rest of the castle dusting, scrubbing, and scurrying about. Before she knew it, the Queen had realized that the sun for the day was nearing the horizon and it would soon set. 

As the Queen lay her head for the night, her exhaustion turned to sadness when she realized that she had done nothing else that day, but care for her castle. She told herself that her little princess couldn't have missed her, her socialites didn't need anyone to socialize with, and her business interests could continue business without her. They would just need to wait until the Queen's exhausted slumber was over. After all, she thought, the sun would rise again, and tomorrow is a new day.

It was a grand plan and very well intentioned. The sun did rise again, as the Queen began to tidy her room, she realized that if she kept on with the same, day after day that her tomorrow would never come!

"Change is the magical key for a new fairytale tomorrow"~AM

Chaos And Candy

It's Monday again and regardless of it only being November 2nd, it seems the holidays are officially in full swing! I will admit that I love the chaos, endless baking, and the hustle and bustle!

Kylie has rounded the corner of her first trimester and her nausea and vommitting have only lightened due to having her PICC line being placed. Despite a few hiccups with the line, we are getting the hang of it! With less nausea and second trimester energy coming on, I can foresee a new challenge on the horizon. Cravings are hard to deal with being pregnant with Phenylketonuria (PKU). She is going to need to be more careful with the monitoring of her blood levels along with detailed nutrition journaling. 

Kylie and Lopez went on their little overnight honeymoon Friday night courtesy of his parents. It was so special of them to give Kylie and Lopez an opportunity to have that experience and celebrate their union with each other before baby comes. 

With my kids up to their eyeballs in Halloween candy and the holidays officially in full swing, this week is bound to bring me sheer joy or a headache! Either way, I won't give up and I will try my hardest not to fall from my pedestal that might need some repairs today!