Unhappy Halloween

Lopez's baby's mom blocked us from receiving messages we send her regarding his son yesterday.I have decided to publically plead to her in hopes that she reads this and has a change of heart! 

Dearest Baby Lopez's Mom,

We appreciate the fact that you may be very angry right now, but we were hoping you might find it in your heart to allow Junior to take his son out with us trick or treating tonight? We will make sure he stays warm & bundled.We even had a little hat made for him to keep his little ears toasty! We can pick him up and drop him off or we can give you gas money.We will also send him home with diapers and wipes for a week or two and anything else you may need for baby.Thank you for considering, as you haven't allowed Lopez to see his son since he has began legally pursuing custody (over a month) and he really misses him!

Yours Truly, Baby Lopez's Dad and family

Raging River

His demeanor is valor worthy, as I read the pain on his face from time to time. 

Lopez recently experienced the first process of custody by means of an informative class to be followed by a mediation with a "mediator"- (as in what the what are her credentials, because last time I checked, bullying a 17 year old may or may not have consequences) and of course his baby's mother was there too, face to face. The mediator felt perplexed enough to ask him why he wouldn't just be grateful and take weekends and holidays once in awhile, because he is a "father" and that's what he should expect... Unfortunately, we will be going to trial with only the best custody attorney! Unfortunate because next available trial isn't until February 2016.

As proud as I am that he stood his ground, I wish he would have spoken his true feelings. He worries every day for his child's well being while his baby is in his mother's care. Reasons for this are as follows:

1.  She has previously been found guilty of injury to her first child whom she no longer has custody of. (Public Record)

2.  She has had or currently has a warrant issued for her arrest. (Public Record)

3.  She has been unable to meet his child's basic needs.

4.  She was 23 years old when he was only 16 when his baby was conceived.

Because of  reason #4, we have become his baby boy's advocate as Lopez is 18 now, with his baby boy's half sibling on the way, which invests us even more.

Dear Lopez, We promise to fight for your rights as a father and the welfare of your child. We wil never back down, ever! Try not to be sad when her spite prevents you from the missed milestones that are evident and come to fruition, every single day. Your good intentions will prevail.

"The tears from your past left a raging river to cross.The present swim is too cold, don't be tempted by loss.The bridge you built is admirable, but less than lean. Just simply take my hand and cross with me" ~AM

A Blood Sucking Vampire For Halloween

Oh my gosh this has been a busy week so far. Between parties and costume needs for all my kids... honestly,I don't even like Halloween that much!

Kylie had her PICC line placed today. The home health nurse declared her veins officially "drained" after four attempts to place a PIV yesterday. Maybe she should be a vampire for Halloween. The procedure to place it wasn't that invasive. The only risk was radiation exposure which is low as today marks the milestone of being officially out of the first trimester! 

On top of all that, my oldest 19 year old daughter, Allison is moving back home today. I am so excited to have her home for the holidays and here for the birth of her first  niece or nephew! After a decent year running a retail space for her store, Bonnie's Boutique, Allison has found it more cost effective to return to online & farmer's market sales only. Leaving us a bit sad as well as hopeful for the future.

 

The nursery is coming together as I  finally finished my rehab project!

Dresser to Changing Station:

I upholstered the inside walls with black minky fabric.

The Love Is Where The Line Is

It actually feels like forever since I have shared with you, my beloved readers!

As the days go by and her belly swells, I feel biblical as if only I knew what I know now... I understand that she still needs me, but she is going to be o.k.

Again I am faced with a crossroads that may lead to crossing that line or not even remotely, but getting very close to meeting it. I would hate to be that girl that got so close, but chose the wrong dang road!

What I am trying to say is that being a person that has a tendency to be codependent, I am more likely to choose THE WRONG ROAD! It's a daily struggle to find faith in the right road.

Guidelines in the form of questions I have learned so far...

1. If the road taken has challenges, am I willing to struggle?

2. If the road taken hurts others, does it make me genuinely sad?

3. When I get to my destination, will I be so satisfied that I will not want anything more?

After the learned applied, I am happy to report that everyone is peaceful & home in my heart of hearts once again! The line simply got lost in my love for them this time!

My Whole Heart

Dearest Birth Mother, I wanted to thank you. If it weren't for you I wouldn't love them as much as I do, I wouldn't ever give them compassion as much as my own, I wouldn't ever be delighted in their daily conversations that I am privileged to hear, I wouldn't be so thrilled to have everyone else gone this weekend right now right this second with them & just them... these two, that I love and happen to be the dead center of my universe this entire weekend! Junior & Aliyah, I love you two... So, so much!& thank you So much birth mother for giving them to me! They are my greatest blessing, & again thank you for them!

Today's Accomplishments

"The only way to accomplish anything in this life is to live and breathe it every single day"~AM

Twice per year since Kylie and her brother were babies themselves, we have driven to Boise for the metabolic clinic. A specialist would fly in from Portland for a complete checkup for the two of them. Yesterday was the first appointment in years that the metabolic team actually gave us compliments for managing their blood values so well in the past few months.

Kylie knew when she got pregnant that it would take hard work and daily perseverence to keep her phenylanine levels low enough to have a healthy baby. It has been so hard and without the placement of the feeding tube, I am not 

sure how it could've been accomplished. It has been accomplished for today, at least. We probably won't be doing any kind of celebrating because we still have a long road ahead. It's just nice to celebrate the milestones today and once in awhile along the way!

  Baby Lopez is the size of a "lime"

Codependent Excess

I am so annoyed with the excess in my life right now. I am not sure if it's stuff as in things or if it's just a whole bunch of unfinished business. As a codependent person, I tend to pile on a lot as an excuse to just not deal. This makes me irritable and less understanding toward others around me. I am going to make a plan to get a hold on that today, before it starts affecting the ones I love.

We are scheduled for a visit to the Metabolic Clinic today and after much nagging on my part, I sincerely hope that Kylie has her diet journal filled out completely. It's important for her medical team to be able to see what her protein intake amounts are to see how it reflects her phenylanine blood levels. 

Her daily IV infusions at home are making a big difference in Kylie's day. Despite the occasional headache, her nausea and vomiting have greatly decreased!

Tender Moments

Oh my goodness, this week is going to be crazy busy! 

After a horrible weekend of nail biting fear of having to resort to ER hydration, Kylie actually felt pretty good and was able to last through without it. The home health nurse came to her rescue last night and Kylie is hep locked once again. The PICC line on hold for now. The outpatient infusion Kylie had last week proved so effective that it was decided to stick with it until it no longer is an option.

Unfortunately, Kylie was forced to drop her classes because she is just too sick, but Lopez was able to start his exam prep classes yesterday at CWI. Despite the troubles, everything still seems to be falling in place for the future of their little family!

With all of the hustle of the Fall preparations in full swing, it's nice to stop and catch a few tender moments every now and then!

Fall Is Here

Fall is my favorite time of the year! Despite being so busy,  I still can't help being so excited about decorating my house.

Kylie had hydration infusion along with some IV Zofran. She was night and day  better. It has held her over for now, but I am worried about the weekend coming. Last night she was kind of fading again. We are still in the process of preauthorization for insurance to cover the PICC line as of this morning, and that can't seem to come fast enough.

One of the most frustrating part of having Phenylketonuria (PKU) is the fear of needing medical attention on a day when your normal practioner will be unreachable. Being such a rare disorder, most doctors never understand the imminent danger. When Kylie has hyperemesis in pregnancy, they simply don't have a hydration issue to deal with. If Kylie's phenylanine level elevates and since her own brain is unable to digest it, the excess phe will technically "poison" her unborn baby. Two days of dehydration will make Kylie very sick, but those same two days of elevated phe can be detrimental to her baby's life.

I hope we can get everything squared away today. I also hope the stress doesn't take a toll on Kylie or Lopez. I plan to distract myself from the worry by decorating for fall!

A Day With Maternal PKU

I have to give her credit for her sacrifice for her unborn child! If this were a two day snap shot of my life while pregnant with Pheylketonuria (Maternal PKU), I am not so sure that I could endure it!

Popularity Isn't Rare

I know that I have been writing a lot about my daughter, Kylie who is currently dealing with Maternal Phenlketonuria (PKU). What you may not know is that her 14 year old brother, Isaac also has the metabolic disorder. 

Every morning since Kylie and Isaac were born, I have either dissolved, crushed, or mixed a cocktail of medicine and formula that would become their soul source of nutrition for the day.

At least once per month, I spend an average of 2 hours ordering, applying for assistance, and coordination of their care. Blessed to have been insured throughout the years, without insurance, it would cost an average $1,000 per month for each of them to have the medicine that they need to live. Now I know that sounds ridiculous, and don't even get me started on the outrageous business of pharmaceutical companies! It is a rare disorder that requires rare medication and rare is expensive, the end! 

Even though it is a challenge to get everything coordinated each month, I have kept the attitude that I just do what I need to do to keep my kids healthy.

I always strive to teach & encourage them both to take responsibility of their own care. Drinking their formula around friends or school hasn't always been popular. Sticking to the diet will never be popular for them. The side effects of unstable levels will NEVER be popular. I worry often that I have done almost too much for them. The simple fact is, Isaac's blood levels are higher when he mixes his own formula and they are lower when I do it for him. I suppose I will continue to do what I need to do in order to keep them healthy, even if that means forever!

Today Is Monday, It's A New Day!

Unlike most people, I have always loved Mondays! Some people feel renewed and refreshed daily... I feel new and refreshed on Mondays!

Mistakes made over the weekend or past week gives me a sense of purpose to start over and and gives me the strength to handle things in a better way. 

I feel the need to clean up my messes and hold onto that feeling as long as I can carry it with me through the week to come! I am excited about the possibilities! 

Kindness and Silly Styles

Being kind to others can be difficult at times. Everyone is different and It's easy to take things the wrong way. It could've just been a bad day when you looked down at the string around your wrist and remembered to be kind after the damage had already been done. It's never too late to realize that your actions affect others that in turn, will affect you. You will be well on your way to building a weak pedestal. It might be too late to mend the broken bridge, but a sincere apology will always add integrity to your very own foundation.

Early 80's style frames are making a comeback!! (I told them they looked cute, just to be kind! :)

A Small Tool

I have discovered something very important and I am super excited to share! I have realized that since I've  been going back and experiencing the processes of codependency the last couple of days with my readers, I find myself striving once again to make sure that my line hasn't been crossed and again focusing on making decisions in my everyday life to genuinely be better, maybe work on my sturdy pedestal? I have decided to tie a string around my wrist. Do you remember when George Bailey's uncle tied a string around his finger in order to remember to deposit the money in the movie, "Its A Wonderful Life"? The string around my wrist will become a reminder to me in the same way, as feeding into codependency becomes so natural, it is hard to remember to stop and realize the reasons for doing things. I will look at the string around my wrist and immediately I will remember my place and my limits in this particular situation in my life at this very moment.

 It was hard letting go today as Lopez took Kylie to her ob appointment for the first time today without me. I felt like this was an opportunity for me to step back a little since we had already figured out what to do about her failed IV over the past couple of days. We will try liquid Zofran into her G-tube in hopes of helping with the nausea just as the IV was doing before it failed, in hopes of avoiding a PICC line. She really didn't need me to go with and advocate for her TODAY anyway. Lopez was perfectly capable being there for Kylie.

I have to admit, my heart was a bit sad that I wasn't there when they told me that the baby's heart rate was a strong and healthy 167 BPM. Although, as I heard that and imagined the joy they shared together, all of the stress and sleepless nights the past five weeks seemed to be completely worth it!     10 weeks:

Kindness To The Cheaters

I received an enduring message from one of my faithful readers yesterday. She reminded me that is a daily struggle to not care what others think of her sometimes. She also pointed out that she finds herself doing the complete opposite and not even trying at all to the point of being selfish and uncaring. 

I think we all can relate to that. There is a line somewhere between where codependency to others can help you become a better, more genuine person or  it can become toxic to yourself and to others.

Remember my pedestal metaphor? An un sturdy pedestal made up of pieces with structural instability. Every unstable piece resulted from a lie or a broken bridge, and so on... You need to remember that these actions have ultimately caused someone else to hurt in some way. If and when you ever fall from your rickety pedestal, the ones you hurt to build the pedestal in which you reside are going to be the last ones that offer to help you back up!

No one knows exactly where that line is, but it is possible to focus on a strong foundation. Do not build a pedestal at all if its not going to be as strong as your own two feet on the ground. 

How do you build a strong foundation? Always be kind to others. It's not about you having been cheated on, it's not about your accomplishments or what you  you are doing to improve your life. Its simple, just be kind to others!

Using A Pedestal As A Metaphor

Imagine that every single element of yourself produces a piece of a pedestal or parts of a small stool that is used to stand on and display what you would like others to see as "the perfect you". Whether you like to admit it or not, we all strive for this in our every day lives. It's just human nature.

The problems do not simply exist in our goal to become better people, because we should all strive for that! The problems occur when our codependence to others become so important to us that we sacrifice our own personal integrity to build a perfect "looking"pedestal for ourselves and we only look like we are better people to others.

Now, imagine that each of those elements or parts that make up the legs and foundation of the pedestal have a small integrity issue. Maybe one part was built on a lie or another was built there to forget a past experience after you ignored an important issue. Maybe another was built from a broken bridge or a neglected relationship, and so on... Soon, your pedestal is built with great structural problems and it is very weak. It becomes very difficult to stand on every single day. The possibility of falling off is real & will hurt to the point of making it almost impossible to get up and begin to rebuild.

The Sunshine Before The Storm

After the last drop of paint makes it to the wall, the fresh new hope of the future is evident. Lopez is covered head to toe in caramel apple colored paint splatters. Kylie is feeling good today despite the fact that her 5th IV has effectively failed this morning, on a Sunday. Unknowing of what's coming next regarding her and her unborn baby's health hasn't seemed to consume her as she bounces Lopez's four month old son on her lap. She makes him smile so big that it lights up the room brighter than the sunshine.

The painting is finished, baby's crib has been put together, and the custody papers have been filed. Regardless of what comes next, right at this moment and on this Sunday, all I can see is the beginning of a family in their new home that is full of sunshine today!

Nothing makes Kylie more excited these days more than a bowl of non dairy whipped topping & chocolate syrup, no matter how sick she is! (No doubt she is going to kill me for posting this pic of her)

The beginnings of a nursery!

❤️Give My Readers What They Want

Since reposting "Crazy Cake Saved My Broken Perfect", I have received many requests from my readers for the recipe & it brings me great happiness to share it with you all! *RECIPE BELOW* If you decide to give it a go, I would love to see your pics & emails!

It's true this recipe is completely Vegan (a  Vegan diet usually excludes anything that comes from an animal including dairy products). I have replaced the oil with applesauce on occasion in order to improve the nutritional value and it still turns out crazy perfect every time.

My kids, Kylie and Isaac were born with a metabolic disorder called Phenylketonuria (PKU) which causes them to lack an enzyme that digests one of the amino acids (Phenylalanine) that make up a protein. This cake only contains approximately 1.5 grams of protein per serving.

From what I understood about the history of this recipe, (which was also referred to as "Wacky Cake"or "Depression Cake") this cake came about during The Great Depression when resources such as dairy products were either hard to come by or people just couldn't afford to purchase them.

I would like to wish my youngest son, Junior a happy 8th birthday today! We have been so blessed to have been given the opportunity to adopt him in 2013 and make him a permanent part of our family. Enjoy your crazy cake today, son!! 

RECIPE:

Great Grandma Renken's Crazy Cake

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Stir together in a 13x9 inch unprepared pan:

3 Cups sifted all purpose flour 

2 Cups sugar

2 Teaspoons baking soda

1/2 Cup cocoa

1 Teaspoon salt

Make 3 wells with a spoon in the dry ingredients.

In the first well, put: 3/4 Cup vegetable oil. In the second well, put: 2 Teaspoons white vinegar. In the third well, put: 1 Teaspoon vanilla.

Pour 2 Cups of water all and mix well, but do not beat. 

*optional (but will add protein depending on what kind & how many you add) Dot with chocolate chips!

Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes, leave in pan. Cool. Sprinkle with powdered sugar, then serve!

All About Lopez

Lopez is the father of my first grandchild & no he was definitely not the father I had imagined for my first grandchild! Kylie was born with pre conceived conditions of a would~be future husband. These conditions included an unconditional love that would hold her hair back while she threw up every fifteen minutes. These conditions did not include an ex-girlfriend that would demand police attention due to threats causing unnecessary fear that would ultimately cast a gloomy cloud on Kylie's sunny day. I have accepted the fact that she is angry as I know I would be too. 

Through all of this, I keep thinking that that no matter what he looks like he may be at first glance, his past happens to  validate his actions most of the time, in my opinion. At least the fact that he has a baby with another girl who happened to be over 20 when he was only 17 when his first son was born officially gives Lopez the benefit of my doubt!  My grand child's father has a bad past full of people taking advantage of him. I can confidently proclaim that he is done being taken advantage of! He is our family now, our son in law, and we love him. We also love his baby boy!

Lopez's plans for the future are great & his actions have supported his plans so far, which I will explain later! In the mean time, we are having the time of our lives preparing for our babies to finally come home!

Preparing for two babies: