Stepping Off The Pedestal Moved!!!

Moved to www.codependencyismydrugofchoice.wordpress.com See you soon!!!

Football Is Dead!

Wrapping presents today... 4 perfectly wrapped boxes with ribbons and bows down, now I am already bored of it, my neck hurts from standing, try sitting... done for now. Let's see, 10 people times 7-8 presents each, that's approximately 75 gifts. I contemplate a good cry, then head back to wrapping. Simple is better, right? "Simple isn't Santa"... decide to go with extravagant, elaborate... officially done now because I have effectively ran out of tape, go figure. Did I happen to mention that football, (holy hell!, why does my spell-checker capitalize the word, football?) Everything about football is starting to get on my nerves! If it's not acting like a proper noun and if it's not playing on every television in our house, teens will be literally playing it/gaming it on every television in the house. My dear readers, and fellow Hallmark Channel fans, this is bigger that just limited use of the household remote. Football literally makes all guys start to balk at everything Christmas... football is killing the Christmas spirit all around the world, well... all around the world that football is played simply because women are constantly trying to change the channel from football to Hallmark. Hmmm... Makes me want to go Dashing Through The Snow right this second, after all, can't finish wrapping all 75 presents until I go out and buy more tape! 

Merry Christmas To Rome

Yes! The fact That I paid $10 for a bone for a dog I really don't enjoy(ok, maybe a tiny) proves something that will be helpful to understanding this story!

First off... I do not understand why someone would deprive their child of anything that could enrich his life, besides selfishness. A Father that wants to be part of his child's life and taking responsibility is rare, in my opinion. Secondly, what happens when that same father was taken advantage of at 16.... and she is still doing it two years later? As a foster parent, our family has always supported biological relationships even when it didn't seem like the right thing to do in our hearts. Here is the thing though, it's not about our hearts, it's about the child. In my son in law's case, If it was truly about the child... Lopez, himself was also a child. He was taken advantage of by his baby's mother. He was 16 and she was 22 when their son was conceived! I seriously can't be the only person on the planet that sees the injustice or criminality of this. The fact is, this is rape no matter how you spin it. If I were Lopez's parent, she would be charged, if not for any other reason, but to have some small justice for her son. Normally I would think that separating a baby from his mother might not be in the best interests of her child, but in this case it truly is because she also has a previous conviction of injury to her other child (public record). 

Lopez's attorney counseled him to seek his own paternity test to submit to the court, before he had to put in for a court order just to save some money on the baby's mother's end of things. It's not officially court ordered at this point, but needed. Keep in mind, he is suing his baby's mother for full custody. #itwouldhavebeenhelpfultoknow that one can simply purchase a paternity kit at a pharmacy for around $20 plus an $80 lab fee. What is so crazy? I am a former healthcare provider that worked in a lab. I am also spearheading a paternal rights campaign for my son in law and I sincerely had no idea that one could buy a paternity kit at Walgreens and have the report back in less than 2 days! If not for any other reason but piece of mind!

It's been 70 days since Lopez has seen his son, because his baby's mother is... well, selfish. If you think I am being harsh, guess what she said to submitting her son, "voluntarily" to a paternity test?

Yikes! Lopez's baby hasn't seen his father in 70 of the most important, informative days in his life, his baby's mother should care about that! I feel bad for her son, I feel bad for Lopez, I feel really bad for her, whom happens to be the one standing on that horribly wobbly, unstable pedestal. Wobbly indeed, only one probation violation could blow her right over all because she has effectively built this on the back of her very own son, and his father!

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest! Ok, I will admit, the $10 bone had nothing to do with this, Merry Christmas & enjoy your bone, Rome!

I

Ahh... The Christmas Letter

Seasons Greetings! We hope this letter finds you happy and healthy!

I am going to be honest, I have really been putting this annual Christmas letter writing off this year. For one thing, so many things going on with the kids seemed to be constantly up in the air and while waiting for a resolution to report on, it occurred to me that I might be waiting forever! For another thing, most everyone has a good idea of The Idaho McCarthy Family Happenings because I blog about them 3 times per week! 

In memory of my late Grandma Renken, who actually thought the world was ending the one year I decided to skip sending a card, well... here goes...

I will start with me, my life is a whirlwind of consumption. Consumed with kids, consumed with life, but trying so hard to let go of the grammar errors,because, quite frankly, they don't really matter and that makes me happy!

Shane is working a lot. He is looking forward to taking a week off over the holiday and spending some good quality time with the family!

Josh and Allison made a go at their retail store, "Bonnie's Boutique". There was a series of events that made them shut the doors a couple of months ago. I wasn't as sad as they were, because I missed them living so far away! They moved into the tiny house in our backyard. Josh is working full time and Allison is a full time college student once again. 

Kylie was married in October to Juan Jose Lopez, Jr. (Most call him "Junior", but we call him "Lopez" because we already have one of those!) They live in the "apartment" above our garage, which I love because they are always so close! Lopez has a baby from a previous relationship that they are fighting for custody of, and he and Kylie are expecting a baby early May. For the record, I think it's a girl!

Isaac is going to be 15 next month. Hard to believe my little 4 pound preemie is taller than me now... I am really not that short! We are running out of excuses why he can't get his license until he is 30, but we will see what the future holds in that regard.

Sage just turned 13. She is in the depths of the "tween stage" for sure. A near fatal accident involving one of her besties last year allowed her some very rare "tween insight" when she was able to realize what is important in life. We all did! 

Edward (Junior) is 7 years old, missing some teeth up front, but instead of asking Santa for his 2 front teeth, he told me last night that he really wants a scooter. 

Aliyah just turned 6. She is in full day Kindergarten this year. It was bitter sweet. She asked me the other day when  she could go to the gym with me again. I do miss her while she is at school. For so long, it was just me and Aliyah!

Ahh, the gift of the Christmas letter... It's definitely hard to appreciate all of the growth in the family, simply because we see them every single day. This letter has allowed me to do just that! 

Merry Christmas to all!

Project:

I will print my Christmas letter and tuck it inside these vintage Christmas cards which I bought on EBay and mail them out to all of my friends and family. They will not only receive the gift of a blast from the past, but stay on top of all the current events going on in the family too! 

Allison's Two Children

My oldest daughter, Allison moved back home, and I say moved back when I actually mean that she moved into the tiny house in my back yard, along with her long time boyfriend, their giant Mastiff, and their very teeny tiny Pomeranian. It's been 2 months since their lives temporarily fell apart due to two crazies from a certain Idaho town known specifically for crazies. Who knew? They were able to recover some of their belongings thanks to the local PD arresting one of the ranting crazies for... well, being crazy! and they have seemed to have put the whole horrifying experience behind them and are moving on. It's never easy starting over and downsizing as much as they had to in order to fit their family into the tiny house in my back yard, which they lovingly call home now. Back to the dogs that they call children/fur babies/spoiled rotten puppies. (Ok, that last one was me!) After Kylie re-homed her dog, Sox when she was so sick a few months ago and in July, we had to put our 15 year old family Shih-Tzu down, I was pleased, relieved, and super excited to have no dogs to care for once again, because let's face it, your kids get them, but we all know who ends up taking care of them! I never realized how much work they were until they were all gone! Before I could even eliminate the family job position of "pooper scooper", Allison was back and along came Rome, the Mastiff who forgets he isn't a person, forgets to close his mouth, so giant buckets of slobber does not pour out, forgets that when he takes a seat on the couch, he will need to take in account that he will need more room than most people, and forgets that the wag of his tail can take out a small child. Then, there is Lacy, a snooty little Pomeranian who thinks the world is HER muse, not the other way around, who is a master escape artist, she can get under any fence or gate, only to freak everyone out while she out-runs any dog catcher on the planet... only to end up at my front door wondering why no one has let her in yet! She is a real piece of work. I spent all day Monday vacuuming dog hair from my couches, mopping drool off my floors, and I knew it was time to put my foot down before I got the crazies too! NEW RULE: The dogs needed to stay out in their tiny house or in the backyard. At the beginning of the cleaning rampage, I was hot with livid fury, as the rain poured down and continued, I imagined that giant dog and pretentious,"I am too good for this tiny house" Lacy cooped up and I felt kind of bad. Then their parents let them out, and I have to tell ya, it was hard watching their sad, pathetic faces at my back door, while it continued to pour down rain, regardless of their perfectly lovely dog house. The next morning, I had a change of heart, maybe just let them in occasionally was my first thought. That would be fair, was my second thought, so in they came and Lacy immediately threw up on my rug. Needless to say, I don't feel bad for their sad little needy faces at my back door anymore, but I think I have finally accepted the simple fact that "some kids give you grand babies while some kids give you dogs that they call grand babies"~AM

A Holiday Story (Part 1)

      It was the first snow fall of the season as the Holiday family finished up their Thanksgiving supper. Five tiny noses leaned against the foggy, dining room window as their foster mother took on the daunting task of dishes after such a feast that she actually began preparing a week ago, but took exactly 19 minutes to eat. With a sigh and a sweet twinkle in her eye, as she plopped her tired, tall, skinny self onto the chair, Joy looked up at her husband, Jason of 22 years and smiled. A smile that created a feeling in Jason which provoked him to smile back so big that all five children turned around from the snowy window at once. "If you all would like to go hunting for a Christmas tree tomorrow, you better hope this storm passes",Jason scorns with a smirk. All five children frown at once and scurry up to get ready for bed.

     Jason and Joy Holiday were long time High School sweethearts. Married exactly two months after graduation, they both had dreams of having a big happy family. Throughout college, they spent every second together until eventually earning degrees in education. As teachers of the local elementary school, they naturally loved the children of their small community town of Winterville, Minnesota.

     Teaching in such a small community was stressful at times. Many students in their classrooms were children of migrant farm workers. Money in the community was always tight. Even Jason and Joy experienced their share of financial strain, but when either one of them would realize a child in need, they just had to do something about it. A child without a winter jacket would have one the very next day. A child whose parent went to work before dawn, was expected to drop their child at the Holiday's, where Joy would fix them bacon and sour dough pancakes with real maple syrup and Jason would make sure they made it to school each and every day. They never expected payment or anything in return. 

     Although they always had dreams of a family, it became evident that the community's children would be their family that they dreamed of. It was unclear if there was just never time or if they made a conscious decision, but Jason and Joy Holiday would never have any of their own biological children and this was their special thing that kept them so full of love for each other. Joy could look deep into Jason's eyes and although never said, they both knew that they were happier than they could ever be. They also knew that bringing their own child into their community would only take from the other children in their lives that were already in so much need. 

     As the years passed, The Holiday's became licensed to provide foster care, so they could occasionally provide a temporary home for children in their community of Winterville. This was difficult at times, but brought Jason and Joy even closer. Sometimes, there would be as many as 10 children in their home. It wasn't rare to get a call in the middle of the night to take in an infant. Jason learned how to change diaper in 2 seconds flat and Joy learned how to be a mother of an infant in less than 2 seconds flat, which ironically is pretty much how biological parents learn too! Joy would take 2 or 3 days off as a teacher to take the child to been seen by a doctor, enable all services needed, and buy all of the things an infant or child would need. Most of the time, the children they would take in had absolutely nothing. The school had a back up substitute for Joy when this was needed, as Jason and Joy Holiday weren't the only giving people in the small community of Winterville. Joy's substitute, Mrs. Bailey was a retired teacher who volunteered her time to teach Joy's class. 

    On this Thanksgiving night, The Holiday family consisted of 5 children: 2 year old Lacey, 3 year old Jack, 6 year old twin girls: Lucy and Laura Lynn, and 12 year old "Sissy". All of the children had different biological parents with the exception of the twins. Each one was extraordinarily special and everyone had a story including the oldest, Sissy, whose parents had just passed away in a car accident over a month before. She came to live with The Holiday's while Child Protection explored other family placement for her. Sissy was a student of Jason's class and had been a student in Joy's class before that. 

     As Joy finishes up putting away the last Thanksgiving dish, and Jason heads up the stairs to read the nightly bed time story, a ring on the doorbell startles their exhausted peacefulness. It was dark and very late. The snow storm was dumping enormous amounts of snow. Joy says to Jason, "who could that possibly be in this storm?" She proceeds to the door, peeks through the window and sees nothing. As she retreats back to the kitchen, she is overcome by a feeling. A deep down something that made her go back to the door.  As she carefully opened the door, she looked down on the snow covered porch to find a cardboard box labeled "fragile, please deliver to Mrs. Joy Holiday."  Joy picked up the box and brought it inside. It's taped carelessly and as a little fear topped with curiosity begins to set in to her, she peeks inside to find a newborn baby peacefully sleeping inside and swaddled in a bathroom towel along with an envelope with nothing but a Christmas card inside. 

                                          To Be Continued...

 

Thank You For All Your Thoughts & Prayers

The day before yesterday, we had a court hearing. I watched my son in law epically fail at his attempt to fight for his son. What also came to my attention was everything he ever said to us regarding his baby's mother was, absolutely true. It completely broke my heart.

YES! it's been exactly 62 days since he has been allowed to see his son. It's established that she is officially on a mission.YES! She pulled the paternity card,"no he's not my son's father, but give me child support anyway" YES! She pulled the "I got a crappy attorney at the very last second card, don't bother over her hour lateness" or her unprofessional conduct and don't forget her very own smug smile as she gallantly trotted out of the court room. She apparently doesn't read my blog and understand what happens to people on high pedestals! Finally, YES! Lopez is a man now, taking admirable steps to make a life for his family.We are so very proud of him.Lopez should not be underestimated,he has his whole family officially behind him as of today, to be exact! oh & Hallmark Channel, how did you know that I needed something a little more? The many stockings are now hanging by the chimney with care!

Did I mention we have another grand baby on the way? Kylie has been feeling movement often, "distracting" her even!, which is cute when Lopez gets annoyed that she isn't paying any attention to what's going on around her because she is so focused on baby in the belly! She had her PICC line thankfully removed today after no need for any treatment for a couple of weeks!

We are very hopeful for the next hearing on Dec. 23, Lopez has retained the best family court attorney in the valley, thanks to my parents and their generosity and loving hearts! I also wanted to thank all of the donors on our Gofundme page!  His attorney will be on record in Lopez's custody suit by Tuesday.

Also, for the record, happiness comes from people that love you, not smug courtroom ugliness. Oh, and speaking from first hand experience, watch out for compromises in the integrity of the pedestal that is so obviously and currently under construction. It really can be a bitch sometimes!

Please?

I am asking for thoughts and prayers from friends, family, and all my readers today.  

"Taking a stand, putting in the work, and staying persistent while adhering to a good, moral compass and expressing genuine kindness without judgement is all key to my recipe for success today."~AM

Gratitude, Love, & Tiny Teachers

I had the greatest Thanksgiving holiday. I came to realize that regardless of the hustle and bustle of family life, the daily fights over bathrooms, clothes hanging in every corner in my house where there is a rod or a hook, cleaning up after one meal, only to start a new one, tired & cranky teen shift workers just coming off the graveyard, every car we own needing new tires, worrying about teens driving on possible icy roads with crappy tires, the one hour of panic first thing when the Traeger wouldn't turn on to cook the turkeys, yes! Turkey(s) as in two of them... The boys fixed it in no time & believe it or not, three days later, both turkeys picked clean!, wet towels everywhere, washer, dryer, dishwasher, and my oven all deserve some type of appliance of the year award, I don't think they had stopped running once, there was a little drama, but lots of love behind it, a few misunderstandings, a couple birthdays, Happy Birthday, Dad & Denise!, a baby boy was brought into our world, not Jesus, but just as precious... come on people I am talking about Thanksgiving week, not Christmas!!!, Congrats to my brother and his beautiful family!, dog slobber is everywhere in my attempt to avoid confrontation because having loved ones close is actually more important to me most of the time, we missed a few, but also gained a few, Kylie was remarkably better all weekend, only a headache to mention which contributed to the cranky teens cited above. They still don't have a verdict of boy or girl, but she actively started to feel her little peanut moving around inside her belly. She said it's strange because once she realized one little movement, she feels it all the time now. I smiled as I bottled that moment in my memory. If you have every been pregnant before, you know exactly that moment, and I am over the moon that I had the privilege to be there when she learned the very first of many things that her child will ever teach her. Regardless of all this hustle and bustle, I am so greatful for having the ability to live in the moment of it all. I am especially grateful for having eager-to-shop teens willing to go snag some smoking good Black Friday bargains for me. Those prices are unbeatable having so many to buy for! I am so greatful for the lessons I have learned also. I spent a lot of energy keeping kids focused on the tasks at hand, in retrospect not really sure why this was so important. I worried about the many hours of video gaming eventually sucking their brains out. Their brains are still in tact as of this morning! A misunderstanding almost propelled me into a situation, that thank goodness, I realized early on that it really didn't have anything to do with me. Resulting in only a few tears. Hard to believe I was actually worried about other's intentions, as if it even matters to me. Damn those codependent  tendencies! In the big scheme of things, the truth really is that my family was here with me, thank you for secretly holding my hand (you know who you are) when I wanted to hang my head and cry, and when the ones who couldn't be here sent well wishes anyway, and the ones that stopped in just to make an ornament and share a memory, made me happy and filled me up with the greatest love that is possible. Definitely the greatest holiday so far, even with the daunting task of housework to be done in the week ahead. 

"Let's watch our hard work at the beginning of the week payoff when we have to create new goals & have many wet towels to wash at the end of the week"~AM

Creating Memories

Thanksgiving is fast approaching and with the anticipation of having the whole family together again, I wanted to make it special without a lot of work or money.

All this week, I will set up a little "ornament station" where, while my family and friends are patiently waiting for Turkey, or they just drop in to say, Happy Holidays, they can create their very own clay ornament! We can bake them when finished, date them with a permanent marker and for years to come, we will always remember the memories of this very special family holiday! 

Project Details:

This is not average kid's clay, we used Sculpey oven-bake clay. I bought a large variety of colors at a local craft store for about $15. I will have finished ornaments placed on a cookie sheet and will bake them all at once when the cookie sheet is full. (Instructions for baking and working with clay is detailed on the back of the box of clay) After they are baked to perfection and completely cooled, we applied Modge Podge, but really, any clear-drying sealant will work. Make sure you remember to stick a little hook or some cord in it before baking in order to be able to hang it on the tree later! 

*It's probably been awhile for many of you to recall the basics of Play-Doh use, but just in case, please remember to store the opened, unused clay in a sealed plastic storage bag to prevent it from drying out!

*Another tip: thinner is better for weight is never a good thing on a tree!

I will post pics of our finished ornaments after the Holiday, but we found a whole bunch of inspiration for ideas on Pinterest!

Happy Thanksgiving, readers! I am thankful for you everyday!

11/24/2015:

Thanksgiving Traditions

I am really excited for Thanksgiving this year.It kind of feels like the beginning of a new season for me with many changes, all the kids back at home,and grand babies on the way. I felt like we needed to start a new tradition this year.Please post in comments or email to me all your ideas or family T-Day traditions.Please do not be offended if I apply them to my own family traditions for many years to come!

Updates & Cupcakes

It all came apparent to me yesterday that regarding Kylie's health and her pregnancy, that she and baby are going to be just fine. Yesterday marked 16 weeks! They have an appointment next week to learn the gender, but will keep it a secret between themselves. From what I understand, they plan to have a very special Christmas gift in store! I can't wait, but I think it's a girl... no, maybe a boy! 

Morning sickness has lightened up remarkably. The home health nurse still comes out once a week. Kylie hasn't needed zofran as often in her PICC line, but the fluids and vitamins once a day have been a life saver! She is already talking about getting her PICC line removed, which sounds ridiculous after how much she needed it just a few short weeks ago! She still takes all of her formula through her feeding tube. Her Phenylalanine levels were a little too low, so we have decreased the amount of formula. She has also increased the protein in her diet. We are anticipating perfect results!

Lopez has been an amazing husband. He has been by Kylie's side the whole time. I can't imagine there are a whole lot of 18 year olds out there that would be willing to stick around through all of Kylie's kind of crazy pregnancy. Kylie has been good to Lopez too. She always has his supper set aside for him every night on the warmer when he has a late class. She continues to support his mission to get his son from a previous relationship back, which has definitely not been a walk in the park. The day before yesterday, they were both feeling under the weather and made 3 trips to the courthouse regarding his case to get his son back. I am confident that they will soon find out that their hard work will pay off and baby Lopez will be back in their arms again!

As for me, I have slowly started to allow the kids to take back a few responsibilities as I explained before, I was doing too much for them. I am still looking for the balance, but I feel good about it! I have more time for things like making after school cupcakes again and that makes my sunshine smile!! (when her mouth isn't full)

Recipe Tip:   ORANGE SUNSHINE 

                    CUPCAKES

We have all been a bit under the weather and in attempt to get a little more vitamin C on board, I take any vanilla cake mix and replace the water that the recipe calls for with fresh squeezed oranges. Pulp and zest too! I have done this in the past with limes, lemons, and/or mango also. They are always tasty, moist, & full of vitamin C! 

Appreciate What Matters

Woke up 4am, not feeling good, scratchy  throat, drink orange juice just in case, pop ibuprofen, polish final draft on a project for someone else, hit the send button... Gone! Need documents, go to print... Damn! Out of ink AGAIN! Go to the library, realize my tire is flat, air it up, can't find the valve for the air compressor, "mom, are you going to make our lunches?", make lunches for 4 kids, stop at the gas station on the way to library. Air up tire-note to self: sign says air is $1.00, only needs 3 quarters to turn on the same amount of time! Print docs at library, home, put in load of laundry. Hungry... no food. Didn't I just get groceries? Eat a string cheese and make a grocery list, pay bills, check emails, load dishwasher, need to go to the gym, get dressed for the gym,last minute call, on my way out the door, my editor has moved up a deadline on my 2nd rewrite, gym is out, glue myself to my IPad, oldest teen daughter is annoyed because I ignore her most urgent issues of the day, oh crap, Kylie still needs her blood tested for the week! Test her blood, drive to the bank and to express mail the blood, tire low again, DAMN-forgot it only needs 3 quarters! Forgot to drop off the express mail after the bank! Send Lopez to do it on his way to work. Laugh to myself when I notice where the elfie on the shelf ended up today when I walk in my house... his connected hands come in handy for a lot of positions, I would've made them Velcro... FOR GOD'S SAKE, STAY FOCUSED. Running out of time, kids home from school very soon, speak of the devil... call from the school, Isaac has detention for too many tardies, note to self: don't forget to pick him up! Hungry, still no food, tea instead, glued to IPad, folded laundry, put away kids clean clothes, got distracted, picked up dirty ones off their floor, now the laundry is full again! Previously frozen meal from the freezer in the oven for supper, looking like grocery shopping will need to wait, giving me anxiety, Thanksgiving in 2 weeks! Emailed finished work to editor, call right back, wrong format, reformat, re-emailed, think to myself that I really need to call my parents-miss them! Kids home, homework, projects, dinner, oh crap! Forgot Isaac! In my defense, I remembered before he walked through the door! Kitchen is a mess, lock myself in my room in an attempt to avoid needy kids, they text me instead. I write some more, got some supper, note to self: really need to get groceries tomorrow! Still not feeling too good, kind of feel worse. Fell asleep fast, woke up at 2am, couldn't sleep, pondered life's greatest mysteries as one can only do at 2am. Came up with a few things that could've made my day easier: not have had kids in the first place, had stuck with my easier, more reliable job, bought a brand new set of tires the day before and quit writing. Then I realized that all those things are why I even get up every morning. I am sure the reason the kids get up these days is the anticipation of what the elfie has been up to all night. Damn, that elfie really has it all figured out!

Date Stamped!

"As a codependent person, I have effectively created a world that revolves around me." ~AM

Wait for it... as my pedestal flails a bit, I become anxious because the truth is, I know exactly what is about to happen. The world around me gathers centrifugal force and I am reluctant to face a knock on the door. One more crisis will easily knock my pedestal over, so I am on the defense!

I am not going into detail about how I just want to feel good again, because the purpose of this is to create a "date stamp" for myself. I want to remember exactly how I feel about myself right this second with the world solidly revolving around me outside my door, steadily building centrifugal force, one crisis at a time. How could my intentions before be to live a better life, build a stronger pedestal? Note for my "date stamp": My actual intentions never even came close to that!

All I know is that right now, right this second, I am seeking ways off this rickety pedestal, quick! & "Date stamped"!

I am not going to just replace the weathered or the most urgent parts for now. I will start at the bottom,and most difficult and I will replace one part at a time, one small piece at a time. I am scared as it may crumble completely during construction or whenever I face the un prepared-for crisis at the door, but it's time to move on. Time to own my centrifugal force that I have created, aim just a little bit closer to me, aim a little closer to the that line. 

My new learned lessons:

1.  Sometimes good intentions aren't always good for everyone.

2.  Centrifugal force is not a good thing when you have created a world that revolves around you and you are its axis.

3.  It's easier to face the door and deal with it rather than try and recall what exactly led you to be afraid to answer it in the first place!

After all new lessons applied and upon answering the door, I was seriously relieved, but kind of sad that no one was there.

With Love From Family At 15 Weeks

It's always a a joy when a baby is going to come and grace one's family home. When I was growing up, the thought of a sibling having brought a baby home to my parent's family home would've been such a foreign thought. I am not sure what makes this so much different. After all, like Kylie, I too was married at 18. I was only 20 when my first child was born.

Kylie's brother, Isaac is only 4 years younger than she is. I look at him and realize that to an adult, 4 years goes by in a blink of an eye. To a child, everything can change in that very same blink! Isaac is still growing up and Kylie has effectively decided that she is all grown up. 

I often wonder how this experience is going to change not just Isaac, but each and every one of Kylie's siblings. After all, they have a front row seat to the realistic struggles on the journey of creating a family. This may turn out to be a blessing in disguise, or a curse... but for now, I feel good about the love they all show for Kylie and her new little family every day, right now, right here, in our family home.

Notes From The Broken Hearted

I have spent the past couple of days with a broken heart and ran mascara. I am sincerely touched by all of your letters. Many of my readers emailed letters from other family members which made me realize how important it was for me to read every single one. I chose one that I was hoping I could share in order to bring a voice to the pain I have literally felt through all of your letters in your own words.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For my sweet Addyson,

You don't know me because I just found out that I am your dad. It makes me sad when I think of everything I have missed out on the past 5 years of your life. I have missed out on loving you and I can't help but wonder if maybe me and your mom could've worked things out if I knew about you. Most of all, I missed out on the chance to take care of you in every way. I know I would've taken those extra shifts to buy you everything you needed.

Even though your Mom kept you from me, I respect her for taking care of you the best way she could. I want you to know, Addy that you the most important little girl in my life from this day forward. I am fighting to have you in my life. I am fighting for my right to provide for you. I am your dad and your mom can't take that away from us. Even though we haven't met each other yet, I love you so much. Love, dad.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I also wanted to share one more thing. Regardless of helping care for Kylie's daily health issues, going to school full time, and working, Lopez has his son on his mind constantly! It's been over a month and his baby's mother is still refusing visitation. This is what Lopez posted yesterday:

I cant wait for my baby boy to get his present from his daddy!(:

Setbacks And Sadness

It is really difficult to keep faith in a goal that continues to prove setbacks every single day. Of course paternity would become an issue now. She sure didn't contest paternity when she was asking him for money and diapers everyday.We predicted it from her and this only means more money and stress for Lopez's custody process.

My faith in the process was tested when I walked in and Kylie was holding her husband's head as he cried. It never occurred to them that he wasn't his baby's father and the accusations that hurt him deeply were so evident. I wanted to just protect them from that hurt and just let it all go. 

I have had these same thoughts early on in Kylie's pregnancy. Giving up seemed the only option at times and her joy was the only thing that kept my faith in the process.Ironically, now I find myself taking faith in their sadness instead of their joy. 

These moments are bringing them closer together. Their love together, their joy together, and their sadness together is ultimately helping their dream of a family come together, one setback at a time!

Change Is The Key To A Fairytale

Once upon a time there was a Queen of a great castle far, far away. Every morning as the Queen woke from her slumber, she went about her great bedroom tidying here, and tidying there. Everything must be in its place, big and small. Even though the Queen of the castle had others to do the tidying for her, she insisted that she was the only one far and near that could do an exceptional job. 

When the Queen had finished, she moved on to the rest of the castle dusting, scrubbing, and scurrying about. Before she knew it, the Queen had realized that the sun for the day was nearing the horizon and it would soon set. 

As the Queen lay her head for the night, her exhaustion turned to sadness when she realized that she had done nothing else that day, but care for her castle. She told herself that her little princess couldn't have missed her, her socialites didn't need anyone to socialize with, and her business interests could continue business without her. They would just need to wait until the Queen's exhausted slumber was over. After all, she thought, the sun would rise again, and tomorrow is a new day.

It was a grand plan and very well intentioned. The sun did rise again, as the Queen began to tidy her room, she realized that if she kept on with the same, day after day that her tomorrow would never come!

"Change is the magical key for a new fairytale tomorrow"~AM

Chaos And Candy

It's Monday again and regardless of it only being November 2nd, it seems the holidays are officially in full swing! I will admit that I love the chaos, endless baking, and the hustle and bustle!

Kylie has rounded the corner of her first trimester and her nausea and vommitting have only lightened due to having her PICC line being placed. Despite a few hiccups with the line, we are getting the hang of it! With less nausea and second trimester energy coming on, I can foresee a new challenge on the horizon. Cravings are hard to deal with being pregnant with Phenylketonuria (PKU). She is going to need to be more careful with the monitoring of her blood levels along with detailed nutrition journaling. 

Kylie and Lopez went on their little overnight honeymoon Friday night courtesy of his parents. It was so special of them to give Kylie and Lopez an opportunity to have that experience and celebrate their union with each other before baby comes. 

With my kids up to their eyeballs in Halloween candy and the holidays officially in full swing, this week is bound to bring me sheer joy or a headache! Either way, I won't give up and I will try my hardest not to fall from my pedestal that might need some repairs today!

Unhappy Halloween

Lopez's baby's mom blocked us from receiving messages we send her regarding his son yesterday.I have decided to publically plead to her in hopes that she reads this and has a change of heart! 

Dearest Baby Lopez's Mom,

We appreciate the fact that you may be very angry right now, but we were hoping you might find it in your heart to allow Junior to take his son out with us trick or treating tonight? We will make sure he stays warm & bundled.We even had a little hat made for him to keep his little ears toasty! We can pick him up and drop him off or we can give you gas money.We will also send him home with diapers and wipes for a week or two and anything else you may need for baby.Thank you for considering, as you haven't allowed Lopez to see his son since he has began legally pursuing custody (over a month) and he really misses him!

Yours Truly, Baby Lopez's Dad and family

Raging River

His demeanor is valor worthy, as I read the pain on his face from time to time. 

Lopez recently experienced the first process of custody by means of an informative class to be followed by a mediation with a "mediator"- (as in what the what are her credentials, because last time I checked, bullying a 17 year old may or may not have consequences) and of course his baby's mother was there too, face to face. The mediator felt perplexed enough to ask him why he wouldn't just be grateful and take weekends and holidays once in awhile, because he is a "father" and that's what he should expect... Unfortunately, we will be going to trial with only the best custody attorney! Unfortunate because next available trial isn't until February 2016.

As proud as I am that he stood his ground, I wish he would have spoken his true feelings. He worries every day for his child's well being while his baby is in his mother's care. Reasons for this are as follows:

1.  She has previously been found guilty of injury to her first child whom she no longer has custody of. (Public Record)

2.  She has had or currently has a warrant issued for her arrest. (Public Record)

3.  She has been unable to meet his child's basic needs.

4.  She was 23 years old when he was only 16 when his baby was conceived.

Because of  reason #4, we have become his baby boy's advocate as Lopez is 18 now, with his baby boy's half sibling on the way, which invests us even more.

Dear Lopez, We promise to fight for your rights as a father and the welfare of your child. We wil never back down, ever! Try not to be sad when her spite prevents you from the missed milestones that are evident and come to fruition, every single day. Your good intentions will prevail.

"The tears from your past left a raging river to cross.The present swim is too cold, don't be tempted by loss.The bridge you built is admirable, but less than lean. Just simply take my hand and cross with me" ~AM

A Blood Sucking Vampire For Halloween

Oh my gosh this has been a busy week so far. Between parties and costume needs for all my kids... honestly,I don't even like Halloween that much!

Kylie had her PICC line placed today. The home health nurse declared her veins officially "drained" after four attempts to place a PIV yesterday. Maybe she should be a vampire for Halloween. The procedure to place it wasn't that invasive. The only risk was radiation exposure which is low as today marks the milestone of being officially out of the first trimester! 

On top of all that, my oldest 19 year old daughter, Allison is moving back home today. I am so excited to have her home for the holidays and here for the birth of her first  niece or nephew! After a decent year running a retail space for her store, Bonnie's Boutique, Allison has found it more cost effective to return to online & farmer's market sales only. Leaving us a bit sad as well as hopeful for the future.

 

The nursery is coming together as I  finally finished my rehab project!

Dresser to Changing Station:

I upholstered the inside walls with black minky fabric.

The Love Is Where The Line Is

It actually feels like forever since I have shared with you, my beloved readers!

As the days go by and her belly swells, I feel biblical as if only I knew what I know now... I understand that she still needs me, but she is going to be o.k.

Again I am faced with a crossroads that may lead to crossing that line or not even remotely, but getting very close to meeting it. I would hate to be that girl that got so close, but chose the wrong dang road!

What I am trying to say is that being a person that has a tendency to be codependent, I am more likely to choose THE WRONG ROAD! It's a daily struggle to find faith in the right road.

Guidelines in the form of questions I have learned so far...

1. If the road taken has challenges, am I willing to struggle?

2. If the road taken hurts others, does it make me genuinely sad?

3. When I get to my destination, will I be so satisfied that I will not want anything more?

After the learned applied, I am happy to report that everyone is peaceful & home in my heart of hearts once again! The line simply got lost in my love for them this time!

My Whole Heart

Dearest Birth Mother, I wanted to thank you. If it weren't for you I wouldn't love them as much as I do, I wouldn't ever give them compassion as much as my own, I wouldn't ever be delighted in their daily conversations that I am privileged to hear, I wouldn't be so thrilled to have everyone else gone this weekend right now right this second with them & just them... these two, that I love and happen to be the dead center of my universe this entire weekend! Junior & Aliyah, I love you two... So, so much!& thank you So much birth mother for giving them to me! They are my greatest blessing, & again thank you for them!

Today's Accomplishments

"The only way to accomplish anything in this life is to live and breathe it every single day"~AM

Twice per year since Kylie and her brother were babies themselves, we have driven to Boise for the metabolic clinic. A specialist would fly in from Portland for a complete checkup for the two of them. Yesterday was the first appointment in years that the metabolic team actually gave us compliments for managing their blood values so well in the past few months.

Kylie knew when she got pregnant that it would take hard work and daily perseverence to keep her phenylanine levels low enough to have a healthy baby. It has been so hard and without the placement of the feeding tube, I am not 

sure how it could've been accomplished. It has been accomplished for today, at least. We probably won't be doing any kind of celebrating because we still have a long road ahead. It's just nice to celebrate the milestones today and once in awhile along the way!

  Baby Lopez is the size of a "lime"

Codependent Excess

I am so annoyed with the excess in my life right now. I am not sure if it's stuff as in things or if it's just a whole bunch of unfinished business. As a codependent person, I tend to pile on a lot as an excuse to just not deal. This makes me irritable and less understanding toward others around me. I am going to make a plan to get a hold on that today, before it starts affecting the ones I love.

We are scheduled for a visit to the Metabolic Clinic today and after much nagging on my part, I sincerely hope that Kylie has her diet journal filled out completely. It's important for her medical team to be able to see what her protein intake amounts are to see how it reflects her phenylanine blood levels. 

Her daily IV infusions at home are making a big difference in Kylie's day. Despite the occasional headache, her nausea and vomiting have greatly decreased!

Tender Moments

Oh my goodness, this week is going to be crazy busy! 

After a horrible weekend of nail biting fear of having to resort to ER hydration, Kylie actually felt pretty good and was able to last through without it. The home health nurse came to her rescue last night and Kylie is hep locked once again. The PICC line on hold for now. The outpatient infusion Kylie had last week proved so effective that it was decided to stick with it until it no longer is an option.

Unfortunately, Kylie was forced to drop her classes because she is just too sick, but Lopez was able to start his exam prep classes yesterday at CWI. Despite the troubles, everything still seems to be falling in place for the future of their little family!

With all of the hustle of the Fall preparations in full swing, it's nice to stop and catch a few tender moments every now and then!

Fall Is Here

Fall is my favorite time of the year! Despite being so busy,  I still can't help being so excited about decorating my house.

Kylie had hydration infusion along with some IV Zofran. She was night and day  better. It has held her over for now, but I am worried about the weekend coming. Last night she was kind of fading again. We are still in the process of preauthorization for insurance to cover the PICC line as of this morning, and that can't seem to come fast enough.

One of the most frustrating part of having Phenylketonuria (PKU) is the fear of needing medical attention on a day when your normal practioner will be unreachable. Being such a rare disorder, most doctors never understand the imminent danger. When Kylie has hyperemesis in pregnancy, they simply don't have a hydration issue to deal with. If Kylie's phenylanine level elevates and since her own brain is unable to digest it, the excess phe will technically "poison" her unborn baby. Two days of dehydration will make Kylie very sick, but those same two days of elevated phe can be detrimental to her baby's life.

I hope we can get everything squared away today. I also hope the stress doesn't take a toll on Kylie or Lopez. I plan to distract myself from the worry by decorating for fall!

A Day With Maternal PKU

I have to give her credit for her sacrifice for her unborn child! If this were a two day snap shot of my life while pregnant with Pheylketonuria (Maternal PKU), I am not so sure that I could endure it!

Popularity Isn't Rare

I know that I have been writing a lot about my daughter, Kylie who is currently dealing with Maternal Phenlketonuria (PKU). What you may not know is that her 14 year old brother, Isaac also has the metabolic disorder. 

Every morning since Kylie and Isaac were born, I have either dissolved, crushed, or mixed a cocktail of medicine and formula that would become their soul source of nutrition for the day.

At least once per month, I spend an average of 2 hours ordering, applying for assistance, and coordination of their care. Blessed to have been insured throughout the years, without insurance, it would cost an average $1,000 per month for each of them to have the medicine that they need to live. Now I know that sounds ridiculous, and don't even get me started on the outrageous business of pharmaceutical companies! It is a rare disorder that requires rare medication and rare is expensive, the end! 

Even though it is a challenge to get everything coordinated each month, I have kept the attitude that I just do what I need to do to keep my kids healthy.

I always strive to teach & encourage them both to take responsibility of their own care. Drinking their formula around friends or school hasn't always been popular. Sticking to the diet will never be popular for them. The side effects of unstable levels will NEVER be popular. I worry often that I have done almost too much for them. The simple fact is, Isaac's blood levels are higher when he mixes his own formula and they are lower when I do it for him. I suppose I will continue to do what I need to do in order to keep them healthy, even if that means forever!

Today Is Monday, It's A New Day!

Unlike most people, I have always loved Mondays! Some people feel renewed and refreshed daily... I feel new and refreshed on Mondays!

Mistakes made over the weekend or past week gives me a sense of purpose to start over and and gives me the strength to handle things in a better way. 

I feel the need to clean up my messes and hold onto that feeling as long as I can carry it with me through the week to come! I am excited about the possibilities! 

Kindness and Silly Styles

Being kind to others can be difficult at times. Everyone is different and It's easy to take things the wrong way. It could've just been a bad day when you looked down at the string around your wrist and remembered to be kind after the damage had already been done. It's never too late to realize that your actions affect others that in turn, will affect you. You will be well on your way to building a weak pedestal. It might be too late to mend the broken bridge, but a sincere apology will always add integrity to your very own foundation.

Early 80's style frames are making a comeback!! (I told them they looked cute, just to be kind! :)

A Small Tool

I have discovered something very important and I am super excited to share! I have realized that since I've  been going back and experiencing the processes of codependency the last couple of days with my readers, I find myself striving once again to make sure that my line hasn't been crossed and again focusing on making decisions in my everyday life to genuinely be better, maybe work on my sturdy pedestal? I have decided to tie a string around my wrist. Do you remember when George Bailey's uncle tied a string around his finger in order to remember to deposit the money in the movie, "Its A Wonderful Life"? The string around my wrist will become a reminder to me in the same way, as feeding into codependency becomes so natural, it is hard to remember to stop and realize the reasons for doing things. I will look at the string around my wrist and immediately I will remember my place and my limits in this particular situation in my life at this very moment.

 It was hard letting go today as Lopez took Kylie to her ob appointment for the first time today without me. I felt like this was an opportunity for me to step back a little since we had already figured out what to do about her failed IV over the past couple of days. We will try liquid Zofran into her G-tube in hopes of helping with the nausea just as the IV was doing before it failed, in hopes of avoiding a PICC line. She really didn't need me to go with and advocate for her TODAY anyway. Lopez was perfectly capable being there for Kylie.

I have to admit, my heart was a bit sad that I wasn't there when they told me that the baby's heart rate was a strong and healthy 167 BPM. Although, as I heard that and imagined the joy they shared together, all of the stress and sleepless nights the past five weeks seemed to be completely worth it!     10 weeks:

Kindness To The Cheaters

I received an enduring message from one of my faithful readers yesterday. She reminded me that is a daily struggle to not care what others think of her sometimes. She also pointed out that she finds herself doing the complete opposite and not even trying at all to the point of being selfish and uncaring. 

I think we all can relate to that. There is a line somewhere between where codependency to others can help you become a better, more genuine person or  it can become toxic to yourself and to others.

Remember my pedestal metaphor? An un sturdy pedestal made up of pieces with structural instability. Every unstable piece resulted from a lie or a broken bridge, and so on... You need to remember that these actions have ultimately caused someone else to hurt in some way. If and when you ever fall from your rickety pedestal, the ones you hurt to build the pedestal in which you reside are going to be the last ones that offer to help you back up!

No one knows exactly where that line is, but it is possible to focus on a strong foundation. Do not build a pedestal at all if its not going to be as strong as your own two feet on the ground. 

How do you build a strong foundation? Always be kind to others. It's not about you having been cheated on, it's not about your accomplishments or what you  you are doing to improve your life. Its simple, just be kind to others!

Using A Pedestal As A Metaphor

Imagine that every single element of yourself produces a piece of a pedestal or parts of a small stool that is used to stand on and display what you would like others to see as "the perfect you". Whether you like to admit it or not, we all strive for this in our every day lives. It's just human nature.

The problems do not simply exist in our goal to become better people, because we should all strive for that! The problems occur when our codependence to others become so important to us that we sacrifice our own personal integrity to build a perfect "looking"pedestal for ourselves and we only look like we are better people to others.

Now, imagine that each of those elements or parts that make up the legs and foundation of the pedestal have a small integrity issue. Maybe one part was built on a lie or another was built there to forget a past experience after you ignored an important issue. Maybe another was built from a broken bridge or a neglected relationship, and so on... Soon, your pedestal is built with great structural problems and it is very weak. It becomes very difficult to stand on every single day. The possibility of falling off is real & will hurt to the point of making it almost impossible to get up and begin to rebuild.

The Sunshine Before The Storm

After the last drop of paint makes it to the wall, the fresh new hope of the future is evident. Lopez is covered head to toe in caramel apple colored paint splatters. Kylie is feeling good today despite the fact that her 5th IV has effectively failed this morning, on a Sunday. Unknowing of what's coming next regarding her and her unborn baby's health hasn't seemed to consume her as she bounces Lopez's four month old son on her lap. She makes him smile so big that it lights up the room brighter than the sunshine.

The painting is finished, baby's crib has been put together, and the custody papers have been filed. Regardless of what comes next, right at this moment and on this Sunday, all I can see is the beginning of a family in their new home that is full of sunshine today!

Nothing makes Kylie more excited these days more than a bowl of non dairy whipped topping & chocolate syrup, no matter how sick she is! (No doubt she is going to kill me for posting this pic of her)

The beginnings of a nursery!

❤️Give My Readers What They Want

Since reposting "Crazy Cake Saved My Broken Perfect", I have received many requests from my readers for the recipe & it brings me great happiness to share it with you all! *RECIPE BELOW* If you decide to give it a go, I would love to see your pics & emails!

It's true this recipe is completely Vegan (a  Vegan diet usually excludes anything that comes from an animal including dairy products). I have replaced the oil with applesauce on occasion in order to improve the nutritional value and it still turns out crazy perfect every time.

My kids, Kylie and Isaac were born with a metabolic disorder called Phenylketonuria (PKU) which causes them to lack an enzyme that digests one of the amino acids (Phenylalanine) that make up a protein. This cake only contains approximately 1.5 grams of protein per serving.

From what I understood about the history of this recipe, (which was also referred to as "Wacky Cake"or "Depression Cake") this cake came about during The Great Depression when resources such as dairy products were either hard to come by or people just couldn't afford to purchase them.

I would like to wish my youngest son, Junior a happy 8th birthday today! We have been so blessed to have been given the opportunity to adopt him in 2013 and make him a permanent part of our family. Enjoy your crazy cake today, son!! 

RECIPE:

Great Grandma Renken's Crazy Cake

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Stir together in a 13x9 inch unprepared pan:

3 Cups sifted all purpose flour 

2 Cups sugar

2 Teaspoons baking soda

1/2 Cup cocoa

1 Teaspoon salt

Make 3 wells with a spoon in the dry ingredients.

In the first well, put: 3/4 Cup vegetable oil. In the second well, put: 2 Teaspoons white vinegar. In the third well, put: 1 Teaspoon vanilla.

Pour 2 Cups of water all and mix well, but do not beat. 

*optional (but will add protein depending on what kind & how many you add) Dot with chocolate chips!

Bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes, leave in pan. Cool. Sprinkle with powdered sugar, then serve!