Crazy Cake Saved My Broken Perfect

She weighed in at 5 pounds, 6 ounces. Kylie was a beautiful baby girl and perfect in every way. In just a few short days after we took her home, a phone call rang in from the hospital that would change our lives forever.
A routine newborn screening would reveal that Kylie had a metabolic disorder called Pheynlketonuria or "PKU". This tiny piece of information ensued a parental emotional roller coaster ride with mountains to climb that had no end in site.

At first, we were literally inundated with information. We would need to meet with specialists from out of state, nutritionists, rare drug representatives, child developmental specialists, disibility case managers, and finally...we would still need to mourn the loss of our "perfect" newborn baby girl. How would this change our plans for a family... how will this change HER future? After all, we can't even celebrate her birthdays with a traditional birthday cake for God's sake, because her diet would consist strictly of vegan choices for the rest of her life. I could just imagine Kylie blowing the candle out on top of her first birthday cake, then taking it away from her for all of us to eat, and then handing her a carrot instead.
It didn't take long to realize that we weren't alone in dealing with this. The first time we took her to the Children's Specialty Center, we understood clearly as we noticed others that were far worse off than we ever were. As many parents of children with disibilities experience, we began to accept this "card" we had been dealt, and start thinking of it as a challenge instead of a problem. Our perfect newborn baby girl was still just as perfect as she was the day she was born, she was just more special than we had initially thought her to be.

In many different ways, support came pouring in.On occasion, family and friends would show their support by sending special vegan recipes that we could prepare for Kylie that she would enjoy and remain true to her health. As her first birthday approached, I grew more and more anxious whether or not I would find a cake recipe that would work. One day, my husband's mother sent a beloved family recipe that she had remembered her mother making for them as kids. It was loved by all, because it was simply "crazy" that a cake could be made without eggs or milk and still taste amazing! As I followed the hand written and weathered, old-fashioned recipe, I was hopeful, but realistic. To my surprise, the finished cake tasted better than any birthday cake I had ever made with eggs. Our perfect one year old had a perfect birthday as she blew the "one" candle out on top of her perfect birthday cake!

Thanks to that beloved family recipe, we came to the realization that Kylie's disorder would not be an up hill battle in our lives. We would come across "speed bumps" every now and then, that we are capable of handling with the love of family and friends. Not only can we deal with all of life's "speed bumps", we can even have our "crazy" birthday cake, and eat it too!!

Anxieties of a Mother

As her junior year is in full swing, my anxiety is growing more and more intense on a daily basis. Every time I  turn around, there is another paper to sign regarding college prep for one reason or another. I constantly find myself in a paralyzing fear of her being more unprepared for the real world than I ever was.

She isn't like me at all even though I gave birth to her, my first child 16 & 1/2 years ago. I had my whole life planned out from age 5. I guess I expected her to know exactly what she wanted to do with her life, so you could imagine my horror when her dad and I asked her what college she was thinking about, and what she would major in. That one and only question that a kid will be asked more times than they can count throughout their childhood, "What do you want to be when you grow up?", and her answer was, ugh... "I don't know". What?  You have had 16 & 1/2 years to think about it, to dream about it... seriously?.. YOU DON'T KNOW???

Then, what she said next rang through my body like a lightening bolt..."Well, my first choice would be to move to Dallas and join the Dallas Cheerleaders, as dance has always been my true passion." Realistic much? As those words hit my already sweltering, hot ears, I could literally feel my blood pressure rise, and before I knew it, I was yelling and she was in tears. Realistic much? She might as well move to Africa and feed all the hungry children with her lawn mowing money. Seriously, did I shelter her so much that she actually believes that this is even a possibility for her? 

Stepping Off the Pedestal: Important Metaphors of Life

Stepping Off the Pedestal: Important Metaphors of Life: I had almost successfully removed the pedestal from underneath me that I had built there.  The pedestal that the perfect ME resides most of ...

Important Metaphors of Life

I had almost successfully removed the pedestal from underneath me that I had built there.  The pedestal that the perfect ME resides most of the time.  That was until I was so close to standing firmly on my own two feet again, and then I had simply lost it.  I fell down... HARD!  Instead of just climbing right back on top of it, I decided it was too hard to do, and besides... I truly didn't care what others thought about me, or did I?  I made a conscious decision to destroy the unstable pedestal that remained in my heart with kerosene and a vengeance.


It became a huge struggle for me to keep others in my life from noticing that I had fallen and it didn't take long for me to start thinking I wasn't good enough to stand so tall anyhow.  This led me to start thinking about this metaphor of a "pedestal" more clearly.  Was this metaphor an excuse for me to fall down, or was this metaphor a challenge to live my life without it?  After all, I didn't even really notice the pedestal that I was standing on  until I had fallen off of it.


My "pedestal" metaphor might be someone else's "rock bottom"... or, it may simply be my mountain top or success.

Stepping Off the Pedestal: True Easter Tests

Stepping Off the Pedestal: True Easter Tests: As he walks out the front door, with good intentions or not, I think about my path of destruction so obviously turned inward... HIS own pa...

True Easter Tests

As he walks out the front door, with good intentions or not, I think about my path of destruction so obviously turned inward...


HIS own path of destruction turned outwards may just leave him sadly mistaken...


I will stand strong for my beliefs and my children will breathe no impact.  It gives me great joy that they were more concerned about what their dress of false worship would be more than the house that they would worship in...


Sadly, the only true sufferer in all of this is HIS son.


Lord, thank you for testing our marriage, but it is NOT going to break us, FATHER!!!

Everyone must decide whether they will walk in the light of creative altruism or in the dark of destructive selfishness.

-Martin Luther King, Jr.

Crossing That Line

Have you ever noticed that we all get so excited about telling stories regarding other people?  Most people simply regard these "stories" as gossip, and usually they are JUST gossip.  What if the story involves someone that you care about, and its topic is your best friend's grief.  Either someone close to this best friend died, or maybe a long time companion, such as a dog or a cat... why are we all so eager to share someone else's grief with others?  Do we care about our best friend's grief simply because we care about them and need others to share with in order to eliminate that grief?  Some are guilty of using others' grief in order to feel better about themselves and it has nothing to do with the person who actually deserves the attention. Do you know where the "line" lies between a caring best friend and a codependent best friend?

Feeding One's Appetite for Codependency

I have given so much of myself the past few weeks that I didn't realize the stress on my plate began to get really hard to swallow. The worst part of it is that everything I did to create that stress were things I did for others, not even my own kids. Is it necessary to hurt others you love in order to feed one's appetite for codependency? I was so stressed that everything that had been silently irritating me about my kids came spewing out of my ugly mouth uncontrollably. It was easy, because after all, I don't need THEM to feed my codependency. They already know me and love me all the same. Then I thought, what kind of healthy, non codependent things that I could do for my kids without expectations of receiving good feelings about myself in return? How can I use this as a tool to help me deal with others that aren't so close to me? 


Sincerely saying "I love you" and "I am sorry, I made a big mistake"... instead of buying them gifts or trying to make up for lost time by doing something for them. 


Please let me know if anyone has any other ideas. Let's help each other if we can find a moment in our crazy day!

Intentions and Expectations

I created this blog for you! I invite everyone to post your everyday issues and comment on mine without any expectations of feeling good about what you have done today, or any other day.  After all, if you posted your daily accomplishments on FaceBook or told your sister, neighbor or best friend that you were supermom/super wife today and did an art project with your toddlers, accomplished 4 loads of laundry, prepared dinner already and its only 2 p.m! That would be a great thing to feel good about, for sure!  However, we need to start feeling good about accomplishing these things simply because we love feeling pride for ourselves.  These everyday accomplishments define part of who we are. I mean, come on! Did you truly do all of that laundry to make your best friend jealous because she didn't have as much energy or love for her family as you did today?  We DO NOT NEED anyone else to justify this for us.  You can vent or you can brag, just don't expect anyone to care and you too can begin to heal your addiction to others!