Problems & Promises

The ultrasound to confirm viability was just yesterday. My daughter's little kidney bean sized baby prooved a strong heartbeat&measured perfectly.

Despite the happy little camper in her belly, the past two weeks have consisted of morning sickness that has effectively turned into all day & all night sickness. Two nasal gastric j tubes have effectively been placed & threw up again. A hep lock was placed to administer IV anti-emetic medication & fluids.

Today, we are here prepping her for surgery to have a permanent gastric peg placed in her tummy. Her Phenylketonuria (PKU) requires her to take in 1800 ml of formula per day to keep her phenylalanine levels low enough as to not cause problems for her unborn child. 

As we are getting ready for this risky endeavor, I realize her joy is slowly slipping away. That same joy she held so proudly just two weeks before.As the mother of the mother to be, it was that very moment when I decided exactly what my job would need to be for the next few months. 

As she is wheeled away into the operating room, I try so hard not to show a tear... I reach over and give her husband a little slug in the arm. He looks up from his obsessive game as he earnestly tries to keep his mind busy, smiles, and together we nervously laugh together.It was then apparent we would be keeping the joy for her until she wakes up again.It just so happens to be the greatest privilege in the world to be able to share that with people that you love!

Her Joy, My Fear

In most cases, a parent can imagine the flood of emotions they experience when their healthy, ambitious eighteen year old daughter comes to them with news of an unplanned pregnancy. Every dream for her future that had been nurtured and promised to her since she was a tiny little girl... crumbled in a single three word sentence, "I am pregnant".

In my case,the emotions were very similar, however my eighteen year old wasn't healthy and her pregnancy was planned. I was mad at her for being reckless. I was mad at myself for not doing something that I am not even sure I could've done. There was a moment when I looked her in the eyes and I could literally feel the joy she held deep inside and I was mad that I couldn't share that with her. As a mother of a daughter with Phenylketonuria (PKU) who had been told  her whole life that she should consider adoption for her future because of all the risks involved, I was blind to see any joy in this up hill journey that we were all about to embark on.

I will continue to struggle every day to find the joy she so desperately wants to share with me simply because as her mother, I can't stop the fear that has taken a firm grip and continues to squeeze me tightly.

It's time to get ready for a new baby in the house and share the joy, because it's coming despite the risks and the fear!

Sunny Road

Someone once told me that the more information one knows about you, the more they have to use against you. My first thought was "I have nothing to hide!" I obviously didn't fully understand this at the time this advice was dispensed to me.

     

It was only after someone that I considered a friend had used some things that were said in a hurtful way and used it as a desperate attempt to get what they wanted. It was in that very moment that I truly thought I understood this advice.

Today, I actually decided to apply this to my life, this wise advice once given to me. It didn't feel good... I wanted to defend everything she said with hurtful, mean things back, but I realized in that moment that I would only be giving more of my integrity away... more of myself, and ultimately exposing my vulnerable road of despair. Don't get me wrong, even knowing this risky exposure, it was SO hard to NOT be defensive. Almost as difficult as passing up a slice of pizza pie heaven after resigning to a diet, AGAIN!!

I stood in this moment & reminded myself that it is not my job to teach this mean, spiteful person how to travel her road she was on. I had applied this advice once given to me and I decided NOT to give her anything else to add to my heart that was already swirling in the blender.

I shut the hot door securely behind me and began my uncomfortable journey on the high road... A road often less traveled, along with the advice I should've taken a long time ago! A perfect, sunny path that I will join my mom on! Thanks for the advice, mama! I fully understand now! 

Her Secret Love Affair

She writes and writes day after day... It occurs to her that she should have some limits because when she writes,time does not exist. Her secret love affair is the epitome of limits. After all, in order to keep a secret, one must limit truth or completely omit it. He almost has everything she has ever wanted and dreamed of. From beginning to end, he is almost perfect in her eyes. From time to time, she gets lost in him & loses track of time. When they are interrupted, she is sad, but relieved. She usually needs time to organize the thoughts going on in her head. Drunken with words, she slowly closes her laptop, writing ceases for the day & her secret love affair ends...

Embrace the Changes

Hopelessness, uncontrolled feelings up and down, tears at the drop of a hat, elation from an endearing  text message received leaves her feeling a bit empty today. She searches for the root of her loneliness & reminds herself that codependent induced validation has an expiration date & will leave her feeling emptier when it can no longer be heartfelt. It's alright to mourn loss & it's alright to feel pride as her beloved children leave home & begin their own lives. It's alright to feel lost in one's self today, and maybe tomorrow too.

"Embrace these changes" with feelings as if one doesn't need to have approval from others for validation, she tells herself over and over again. Be prideful, be excited for your children's future through their eyes as if you were 18 years old again! She doesn't do this to feel better about herself, she does this because this is truly how she feels about the beautiful girls she helped raise.

It's time for her to finally be excited about her future as a mother without babies. It's time for HER dreams again. Even though it took a village to raise her babies, she will not  need others to obtain everything she wants for her own future as she fights the allure of codependency today, and maybe tomorrow too!

True Codependency

Imagine THAT co dependent girl without a drug problem... That would be me!! Welcome me, I will NEVER let you down!!!

Agenda

Rarely does an agenda strike her. As the feelings flood, she immediately reaches for a straw to breathe & despite her intention & not even able to understand if they are good or bad anymore, she drowns herself as the straw isn't at all adequate. She is all alone with a super cute straw & a lonely, retrospectively ugly agenda that continues to make no sense to her...